So we got 0 submissions for the initial version of our first contest. Zip. Nada. Absolutely nothing.  This Darren Daulton BP jersey is pretty sweet and apparently no one wants it!  I was going to take it for myself but I was told I can’t under penalty of death.  So let’s try this again!

Instead of typing pesky words and such we are simplifying this jawn.  For the new contest we are simply asking that you photoshop Eric Bruntlett into a famous historical image.  The image we like best wins.  Simple enough right?  E-mail all submission to fireericbruntlett@gmail.com with the topic Historic Beardo.  All entries must be submitted by 11:59pm September 3rd and we’ll post and announce the winner the following week!  There are no restrictions on how many entries you can submit and we’ll post most of them.

For Beardo and Dutch’s sake enter!

UPDATE!

We are now offering a choice between Darren Daulton and John Kruk (#19 from 1991) for this dashing BP jersey!  Whoa!

Thanks to the pulling of several behind-the-scenes strings, we have the opportunity to give away the jersey to the left. It’s not going to be easy, though…

Perhaps you remember a few years back, when Daulton stated that the world would end on December 21, 2012 at 11:11 AM. (the conclusion of the Mayan calendar) Granted, he finally backed off on that last Friday, but let’s say, for the sake of this contest, that he didn’t. Here’s the contest: Write a manifesto of Daulton’s beliefs, as Daulton might himself. Suggested topics include his metaphysical beliefs, what the Fifth Dimension is like, what happens when the world ends, how he plans to “blast into space,” and a description of one of his out-of-body experiences. Basically, anything mentioned in the Personal Beliefs section of his Wikipedia page, or in this Sports Illustrated column from 2006.

The contest runs through August 31, and the manifesto must be between 350 and 1500 words. Send your entry to fireericbruntlett@gmail.com, attached in a Word document. Any questions about the contest may also be sent there, or in the comments section below.

LOLSantana, originally uploaded by philly_ies.

Whoa, what the hell is going on here? Johan Santana has a no-hitter through five innings at CBP? Oh, noes! It seems like neither the Phils’ offense nor Johan remember what happened the last time Johan came to town. A bunch of guys that are now on the DL hit homers or drew pivotal walks as each hitter reached base with two outs in the 4th. Hamels is mowing down the Mets, striking out 9 through 6 innings, and the Phils have drawn 3 walks, but are still hitless. I think they need some motivation, and Santana, some, um… un-motivation. Or something like that. Just remember some numbers…

3.2 (innings pitched)

8 (hits)

10 (runs – all earned)

4 (home runs)

4 (game score)

1 (loss)

8,000,000 (times of fail)

Because Roy Oswalt is a Phillie, and I swear to God, if I stare at my GMail account for another second or refresh my follower count on Twitter 8,000,000 times a second again, I will truly go insane. It’s the technological equivalent of watching paint dry.

In the style of The Fightins’ Chris Jones, who jumped 82 followers (as of this posting) on Twitter by promising to wear a shirsey of hated Phillies reliever Danys Baez at next Friday’s game when the Mets are in town, I have made a similar proposition. I pledge to wear a shirsey of Natinals Messiah Stephen Strasburg. Except it won’t say Strasburg. It will say Strasboner. If I get to 900 followers (@uublog) by the end of today, Friday, July 30th, I will wear a Nats’ Strasboner jersey to a future Nats-Phillies game at CBP. (date TBD) I currently sit at 798, so you have a bit of work to do if you want to me look completely ridiculous in front of you. But I’m opening this up here, because I’m interested to see how far this can go.

This is what I might have to pay $37 plus shipping for and wear TO A PHILLIES GAME, let me remind you:

So get it done if you want to laugh at me at a future Phillies game.

“I want to tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot.”

-Rick Springfield, the preeminent love scholar of our time

You need to know when to let go of something.  Many of us have had girlfriends we can’t forget, childhood toys we can’t let go of, favorite bongs long lost that we obsess over finding to the point that we’ve torn open our couch and really killed any comfort in it but damn it all I need to find that bong!

…but I digress.

Photo via @petzrawr.

Ed Wade got flat out hosed in the trade for Roy Oswalt.  Ruben Amaro Jr. took advantage of Wade’s Phillies love and loyalty and took Roy Oswalt for the low price of J.A. Happ (who will apparently be missed primarily by women for his lips) and a couple prospects.  Amaro even took $11 million worth of lunch money from Wade!  Oswalt gives the Phillies three awesome top of the rotation pitchers and leaves them in a great position to make the playoffs for the fourth straight year and go back to the World Series for the third straight year.

But that’s not good enough for you people! Noooooo, you all go “B-b-but Cliff Lee was so good to us!  Hewas badass and fun and awesome and he should be a Phillie still!”  No shit Sherlock, but Amaro stupidly traded him away.  Boohoo, it’s done.

Cliff Lee is gone people!  He’s not walking through that door and you know it!  Yet you keep TALKING about it!  The whining is incessant.  We’ve got two Roys now!  I wish that I could have Cliff Lee, you wish you could have Cliff Lee, but guess what, we don’t have Cliff Lee!  We need to shave, put on a nice suit, and show our three ace starting pitching combo just how much they mean to us.  I’ll admit I did whine a bit about it yesterday before the trade.  But hey, I’m over it, and you should be too.  We can’t control the shitty decisions of the past so we should accept the great stuff we do have.  Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, and Cole Hamels?  I’ll take that any day.

A second impromptu live blog in a span of a week? Why the hell not, I say!

Less impromptu than last Thursday’s! Doors open 35 minutes before gametime for extra discussion of Rube’s failure in letting Haren go to the Angels for the equivalence of a bag of balls.